Empathy and openness

• Understanding how teenagers view themselves and the world is crucial for effective communication within families. 
• Open and honest communication is essential for strong family relationships.
• Parents should be transparent with their children while establishing clear boundaries. This includes treating teenagers with respect and acknowledging their desire for responsibility.

Doras Tin is impressive. Although still an IB-level student in London, she has written an insightful guide to the teenage brain and why everything you thought you knew about it is wrong. It is a must-have for anyone with children. Here she talks to CampdenFB about how the book came about, the importance of the teenage perspective and why communication is key. 

How important was it for you to give the perspective of teenagers?

Doras Tin: Frances Jensen’s book The Teenage Brain was a real eye-opener for me. I never truly understood the immense biological and psychological changes teenagers go through. Learning about neuroscience helped me realize that my own teenage thoughts and decision-making were very different from how I function as an adult and likely different from how most adults reason.

While everyone experiences puberty and the teenage years, it’s difficult to look back and fully grasp the vast changes happening in a teenager’s brain. This can make their behaviour seem strange or confusing to adults. Recognizing this difference in perspective is crucial for effective communication and resolving misunderstandings within families.

Communication is a thread through your book. Is that where families often fall down? 

Doras Tin: Communication goes beyond just exchanging information; it’s the very essence of life. What truly sets us apart from other animals is our ability to communicate and share ideas. Ideas without communication, however, are meaningless. Communication is the foundation of all relationships, including families. What weakens relationships isn’t necessarily the changes life throws our way, but the lack of communication about those changes. This is especially true for teenagers, who may struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings due to their own internal changes. Therefore, good communication from the people around them is crucial. It not only encourages teenagers to open up, but it can also help them understand themselves better. 

Boundaries are important. They’re your internal guidelines for what to say and do with your children. 

How can families improve communication? 

Doras Tin: No family is perfect, and communication can definitely improve things over time. Weekly dinners where everyone shares their daily lives, struggles, and learnings can be a great way to stay connected. Transparency, meaning openness and honesty, is key. As teenagers and children grow up, parents should encourage openness from a young age. Teenagers crave to be seen as individuals, responsible, and more like adults, so treating them like that is important. Vulnerability can be difficult for parents, who might hesitate to show their own struggles. This vulnerability, though, builds trust and strengthens family dynamics.

Boundaries are important. They’re your internal guidelines for what to say and do with your children. While certain topics might be off-limits, maintaining a friend-like connection alongside the parent-child relationship is crucial. For example, I enjoy talking to my parents about everything in my life, and I believe they share interesting things from their lives with me too. Once we hit a topic neither of us wants to discuss, however, clear communication is essential. We might express that we don’t want to talk about something specific, but ultimately, finding a compromise through understanding each other’s perspectives is key. Everyone’s boundaries and rules are different, but as long as they’re communicated and compromises are made, communication can thrive.

What do you think the hardest bit of your book has been for people to read? 

Doras Tin: There’s a definite shift in how teenagers view their parents. When you’re younger, your parents seem almost godlike – perfect and amazing. But around 18, this perception changes. You realise that everyone has flaws, and you want your parents to shed their perfect image and reveal their true selves. This vulnerability can be difficult for parents, who might feel exposed or like they’re failing. For teenagers, the biggest hurdle might be communicating their need for help. The fear that parents won’t be there or won’t want to help can lead to misunderstandings. It’s important to remember that most parents genuinely want the best for their children. Even if their vision of success (like attending a prestigious university) clashes with your desire for fun and personal fulfilment (which some might call naivete), their ultimate goal is your happiness and a fulfilling life.

What do you hope that readers will take away from your book? 

Doras Tin: While communication is always key to improving parent-child relationships, the most important takeaway is understanding the teenage perspective. It’s not about fully comprehending their every thought, but acknowledging the complexity of their inner world and the challenges they face. Even if you can’t fully grasp their struggles, showing empathy and acknowledging the difficulty go a long way. This is the cornerstone of a strong parent-child relationship.

The scenarios that showcase the teenage perspective, have resonated with many readers because adults probably wouldn’t understand these situations on their own. The key message is that even if you can’t fully understand your teenager’s mind, continuing to try and empathise is crucial. 

Remember, it’s not just your teenager acting “delusional” – these are common experiences for teenagers. That understanding is probably the most valuable lesson.

What next? Where is the book taking you?

Doras Tin: I created a podcast on SoundCloud that explores these issues from a teenager’s perspective. It’s a short introduction to the ideas in my book.

My main goal is to bring this book to China. It is a country with immense pressure on children and there are strong family power dynamics. 

That is why I see this book as a philanthropic project, not a commercial one. My goal is to reach as many people as possible and prevent them from developing serious mental health issues due to lack of resources. Prevention is always better than cure.

All book profits are being donated to philanthropic causes. Why did you choose that route?

Doras Tin: There’s nothing more sacred than sharing ideas through creative expression, whether through literature or art. That’s the core purpose behind my book. It’s not about making money. I recognise and appreciate the privilege I have, knowing not everyone has the same level of support I do. My goal is simply to share my ideas through this book and hopefully improve people’s lives. While they may not have the same support system that is available to me, I hope they can find strength within themselves. 

Doras Tin’s Through Our Eyes can be bought here.