Navigating narcissism in UHNW families

That we are living in a narcissistically saturated world is not new news. Worldwide data indicate pathological narcissism has been steadily increasing since the end of World War II. More nuanced data indicate it also impacts people of wealth at higher levels when compared to the general population]. While perhaps not surprising, these findings are highly relevant to families of wealth seeking to ensure future generations avoid the relational destruction that results from narcissistic personalities in individuals and family legacies.

Recently, I had the privilege of discussing pathological narcissism amongst individuals and families of wealth at a Campden/IPI Club event in Denver, Colorado. The attendees were keen to learn all they could about the personality construct to ensure they are not raising narcissistic children as well as devising strategies to protect themselves and those they love from the destruction inherent in a pathologically narcissistic family member who has control over their lives and well-being. This article is a follow-up to that discussion and endeavours to:

1. Provide families of wealth with a basic understanding of the clinical features of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).
2. Offer insights into the traits that make people of wealth more susceptible to elevated narcissistic personality presentations.
3. Provide a three-part strategy for innovative families of wealth to intervene on individual and intergenerational patterns of NPD to ameliorate their toxic impact on a family’s holistic health. 

Historical Context

The term narcissism derives from the story of Narcissus in Greek mythology. According to the myth, Narcissus was a beautiful young man who became so obsessed with his image after seeing it in a pool of water that he spent the whole of his days gazing at himself to the exclusion of any relational nourishment. Eventually, he was consumed by the emptiness of his life and died alone in the pool of water that mirrored back the reflection he grievously adored.

While the construct of narcissism dates back thousands of years, the term entered the realm of clinical psychology in 1896 by a clinician who used it to describe states of intense autoerotism or preoccupation with one’s sexual body. The construct was later extended by psychoanalysts such as Sigmond Freud and Otto Rank to describe patients who failed in the developmental tasks of establishing and sustaining intimate relationships due to elevated levels of vanity and self-absorption. What’s significant about these later clinicians was that in addition to simply describing features of a narcissistic personality, they focused on its causes. Through their clinical treatment of patients who suffered from NPD, they found it developed to protect the individual from feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem which resulted from either an overly indulgent or emotionally absent caregiver.

In contemporary times, the term narcissism has become part of our popular lexicon as an assumed character trait of anyone who has attained elevated financial standing in individualistic and capitalistic cultures. Wildly popular television shows such as Succession, adeptly show how narcissistic individuals of great wealth use their positions of power to create relational pathology in the families and businesses over which they lord. As a licensed marriage and family therapist and consultant to ultra-high net worth (UHNW) individuals and families around the globe, infrequent is a day when I go without hearing about the pernicious impact narcissism is having on an individual family member, an entire family unit or the professionals who serve them. 

Clinical Features

While the term has become hackneyed in popular culture, narcissism is a well-studied concept in the clinical literature and field of mental health. According to the American Psychological Association, people who suffer from NPD display the following characteristics:

• A long-standing pattern of grandiose self-importance and an exaggerated sense of talent and achievements.
• Fantasies of unlimited sex, power, brilliance, or beauty.
• An exhibitionistic need for attention and admiration.
• Either cool indifference or feelings of rage, humiliation, or emptiness as a response to criticism, indifference, or defeat.
• Feeling entitled to special favours, taking advantage of others, and unable to empathise with the feelings of others.

Individuals who suffer from NPD are self-absorbed and grandiose. They feel they are entitled to only “the best” and demand special treatment. They view other people as objects to be manipulated for their ego gratification and to advance their personal and professional standing. When they are challenged or fail to get the attention they insatiably demand, they engage in a host of interpersonally manipulative strategies such as the narcissistic cycle of abuse, gaslighting and love bombing. Such strategies cause those who interact with the person who suffers from NPD to suffer from a host of negative emotional states such as depression and anxiety, to suffer from chronic feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, to question their place in the relationship and the world, and constantly feel “off balance”.

Narcissism and wealth

As mentioned above, more focused data indicate narcissism is not equally distributed across social strata but is found at higher levels in elite social classes and UHNW populations. One of the leading researchers in this regard is psychologist Paul K. Piff. His 2014 study showed that people of elevated social class tend to exhibit more narcissistically oriented behaviours than their lower-class peers.

There are several reasons advanced for this data point. Dr Piff and other researchers observed that wealth allows people who possess it to elevate themselves out of the humanising and humility-cultivating aspects of a more banal existence. Rather than having to contort themselves to fit into paradigms set by others, people of wealth set the circumstances and conditions by which they live and engage – or choose not to engage – in a world they’ve constructed for their comfort, convenience and success. In addition, wealth enables those who possess it to spend disproportionate amounts of time and money on their appearance, their hobbies and interests, their careers, their health, and in the pursuit of materialistic standards of happiness and external markers of success. In contrast to people who live at lower levels of the socioeconomic spectrum and need to negotiate challenging and often humbling relationships with others to survive, people of wealth are acculturated to focus on their own needs and desires; desires of which, are driven by the externally oriented and rarified world of the elite cultural group to which they belong.

Managing narcissism

As a clinician who’s researched and worked with UHNW clients for nearly two decades, I’m constantly exposed to data, both empirical and anecdotal, that show the clinical outcomes for treating narcissistic clients of wealth are bleak. This is a function of the client’s unwillingness to change, their incapacity to tolerate painful truths as well as their incapacity to engage in the interpersonal nature of psychotherapy. In short, the clinical interventions that would enable the narcissistic client to change are simply antithetical to their deeply embedded personality presentation and rejected out of hand. I have, however, had great success in treating those around the narcissist who are negatively impacted by the narcissist’s pathology. Over the years, I’ve distilled the steps in this process into the following three:

1. Psychoeducation on the science around NPD: There is robust and very credible data on the construct. This data indicate narcissism occurs on a spectrum from adaptive to malignant. It also has identified subcategories of narcissism that include covert and grandiose. Just like a business needs constantly to take inventory to know where it stands and where it needs to go, family members need to get clarity about who and with what they are dealing.
2. Psychotherapy to understand how and why you react to the family member with NPD: One of the basic tenets of family therapy is that you don’t need every family member to participate in the therapeutic process to create positive change. If one family member changes, then the family unit will be forced to change to accommodate the new order. Yes, it’s unfair that the healthiest people in the family need help, but this isn’t about fairness, it’s about positive outcomes of an investment in a family’s holistic health. 
3. A solid plan of engagement that involves boundaries: People who suffer from NPD are masters at creating chaos and making everyone around them feel ungrounded and unsafe. They constantly test your fidelity and engage in both aggressive and passive-aggressive acts when they feel they are losing control and power over you. Knowing this, it’s important to articulate boundaries for how and when you interact with them. To be effective, boundaries need to be clear, consistent and enforceable. As such, boundaries such as “I’ll never speak to you again” or “I’ll never let you see my children,” will only serve to enforce a message to the person with NPN that they have control over you when you eventually let down the boundary and allow them back into your life. More effective boundaries are those that are hyper-focused, small and measurable. In this regard, a boundary such as “I am not going to take your call after 2200”, or “I’m not going to allow you to drive my child when you’ve been drinking” will send the message that you are a reasonable person who is clear in what is and what is not acceptable behaviours. The key is to set boundaries that while challenging, enable you to claim your power consistently over time and that will withstand the tests to your intentions.

A pernicious impact

Consistent with the ever-emerging data that indicate narcissism is on the rise and prevalent amongst people in elevated socioeconomic classes, UHNW families and the advisors who serve them are sure to encounter the pernicious impact this personality presentation has on their holistic well-being. For this reason, it’s important for innovative families of wealth to educate themselves on the clinical features of NPD, to seek out professionals to help them navigate the chaos they cause in the lives of those around them, and to be mindful of setting boundaries with the person who suffers from a narcissistic personality presentation that are clear, consistent, and enforceable. Unfortunately, the forecast for the incidence of narcissism indicates it will continue to increase in the future. Fortunately, innovative families of wealth and advisors to them can obtain the skill set to ameliorate the destruction and destabilisation these individuals cause whilst elevating the family to higher, healthier, more productive states of being. 

Paul Hokemeyer, J.D., Ph.D. is a Clinical Fellow with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, founder of Drayson Mews and graduate of the Global Leaders in Healthcare program at Harvard Medical School. His book, Fragile Power 2.0: Wealth, Narcissism and Mental Health is available internationally on Amazon.com.